It sounds like a malfunctioning sensor in the arm of the glasses. Try and get a warranty replacement.
🏰 The Ministry of Malfunctioning Spectacles
SCENE: A drab government office. A sign reads: "MINISTRY OF OPTICAL MISFORTUNE - Department of Spectacular Failures."
A man, MR. BLINKWORTH, enters holding a pair of futuristic glasses that are sparking gently like a disgruntled toaster.
1. The Complaint
MR. BLINKWORTH: Excuse me, I believe these glasses are malfunctioning.
CLERK #1 (cheerfully incompetent): Splendid. Please fill out Form 87‑B: Declaration of Unexpected Optical Behaviour.
MR. BLINKWORTH: They keep turning themselves off, on, sideways, and once they tried to order a pizza.
CLERK #1: Ah! Classic symptoms of Spontaneous Autonomous Snacking Syndrome. You'll need Form 87‑C: Devices Attempting to Feed Themselves.
He hands over a form the size of a medieval tapestry.
2. The Escalation
MR. BLINKWORTH: Isn't there someone who can just… fix them?
CLERK #1: Fix them? Oh no, sir, we don't fix things here. We process them.
He presses a button. A loud klaxon sounds. A second clerk arrives, sliding in sideways like a malfunctioning Roomba.
3. The Specialist
CLERK #2 (whispering dramatically): I am the Senior Assistant Deputy of Optical Dysfunction. What seems to be the trouble?
MR. BLINKWORTH: The glasses don't work.
CLERK #2: Have you tried turning yourself off and on again?
MR. BLINKWORTH: …Me?
CLERK #2: Standard procedure. Very effective on pigeons.
4. The Inspection
Clerk #2 takes the glasses, peers through them, and immediately begins narrating like a nature documentary.
CLERK #2: Observe… the rare and elusive Customerus Frustratus, attempting to navigate the wilds of technical support. Majestic. Irritable. Slightly sweaty.
MR. BLINKWORTH: Can you please just fix them?
CLERK #2: Fix them? Good heavens, no. That's the job of the Department of Futile Repairs.
He presses another button. A trapdoor opens. A man in a lab coat is catapulted into the room.
5. The Engineer
ENGINEER (dusting himself off): Right! What's broken?
CLERK #2: Everything.
ENGINEER: Excellent. (He taps the glasses with a tiny hammer.) There. Perfectly diagnosed.
MR. BLINKWORTH: Diagnosed? What's wrong with them?
ENGINEER: They're broken.
MR. BLINKWORTH: Yes, I KNOW they're broken!
ENGINEER: Then my work here is done.
He is immediately sucked back through the trapdoor with a whooshing noise.
6. The Resolution
MR. BLINKWORTH: Look, can I just get a replacement?
CLERK #1: Of course! You'll simply need to submit Form 87‑Z: Request for Replacement of Items Rendered Useless by the Ministry.
MR. BLINKWORTH: Where do I get that?
CLERK #1: Oh, we don't have it. It's only available online.
MR. BLINKWORTH: Fine. I'll use the glasses to access it.
He puts them on. They immediately display: "ERROR: Please complete Form 87‑B before proceeding."
MR. BLINKWORTH: (screams into the void)
7. The Finale
A choir of bureaucrats enters, singing:
🎶 "For paperwork is destiny,
And destiny is pain!
If something ever works for you,
We'll break it once again!" 🎶
Fade to black.
